Emotional pain is a sign that we are cut off from who we are, from our heart, from our sensitivity. It is a cry from within to get back to ourselves. In fact, our pain points us in the direction of healing. Therefore, we should not try to eliminate our pain, but see it as an opportunity to come back to ourselves. When we are truly fully ourselves, we are effortlessly present in the moment. Our heart is open and we are naturally connected to ourselves and the world. There is no effort, inner conflict, limitation or deficiency. There is then no emotional suffering. We are whole; completely united with ourselves. We feel completely satisfied, at ease, relaxed and free.

Our Presence is what truly heals our pain and emotional suffering. That is why it is important to develop the capacity to stay present and open, not just to what feels good and wonderful, but a true openness that embraces our pain and suffering as well. Being present to our experience does not mean that we have to like it. We just allow what is already there. We acknowledge the truth of our experience.

~ Rumi

“The cure for pain is in the pain.”

Being fully present is the most loving thing you can do

When you are fully yourself, then your heart is full of YOU. When you are fully present without defending yourself, then your heart is open and YOU naturally shine, just like the sun. You allow yourself to be fully there. You show up fully in life.

Loving, giving, shining, is the nature of our being. It is what you naturally do when you are fully present. Your presence is the most precious thing you can give to your loved ones and to the world. Being fully present is the most loving thing you can do, because being present is Love. Therefore, to love, which means being present, should be the most important task in your life.

Are you allowing yourself to be fully present, and hence to shine and love?

~ Rumi

“You think you are alive
because you breathe air?
Shame on you, that you are alive in such a limited way.
Don’t be without Love, so you won’t feel dead.
Die in Love and stay alive forever.”

In part one of this blog, I have described where the need to be seen comes from, how it came about. In this part we are going to zoom in on what happens when the child is not seen, when the child is not positively mirrored. Because that’s where two survival mechanisms are developed that still continue today in our adult lives.

We experienced not being seen as life-threatening

It is very painful when the child is not seen in an aspect. The child reaches out and mother (the nurturing environment) is not there. Mother is physically or emotionally not available. There is no contact there, there is no connection. And this lack of connectedness is experienced by the child as life-threatening. After all, the child is totally dependent on mother for love, protection, care, warmth and nourishment. The child dies without a mother. And this painful experience triggers two movements.

The first survival mechanism

The first thing that happens reflexively is that the child moves away from the pain. In order not to experience the pain of not being seen, the lack of connectedness, the child withdraws. The child contracts itself and disconnects from his or her natural state of being; the open sensitive state. Now the child is afraid to reach out. The child will not reach out if it is not sure that the child is accepted in the aspect that was not allowed to be there. Now it is not enough for the child that mother is present. Mother needs to invite and reassure the child.

This defensive mechanism still operates in our adult life. When it is activated, we withdraw. We contract ourselves and disconnect from our natural state. We take a waitand- see attitude. We don’t reach out. We assume that our needs will not be met anyway.
We deny that there is a need. For example, we may be very sensitive to the need of others to be seen, but we don’t show that we want to be seen ourselves. We may even be proud that we have little need. When we are in this contracted state, we often feel small, weak or helpless. We feel inadequate mentally, emotionally and physically. It feels like we don’t have what it takes to do what we want to do there.

The second survival mechanism

So, the first thing that happened when we were not positively mirrored is that we retreated. We contracted ourselves as a defense against pain and we took a wait-and-see attitude. We waited for the right conditions to reach out. But because it is lifethreatening that there is no connection with mother, there is at the same time a tremendous instinctive need to restore that connection at the point where it was lost. And this sets in motion a second movement. Here the child does not wait for the right conditions to reach out, but begins to actively seek contact to restore connection where it has been lost. If I am not seen for who I am, how do I need to be in order to be seen? Is it by being nice? Or by being kind? Or by being smart? Or by being obedient? To maintain connection with the significant other, the child starts to adapt. The child adopts the behavior necessary to make sure he or she is seen. And that can also mean engaging in negative behavior.

This defensive mechanism is also still operating in our adult lives. When it is activated, we want something from the other person. We exhibit certain behavior because we want the other person to appreciate us, to like us or to love us. We exhibit the behavior we think is desirable to maintain connection with the other person. If I am this way or that way then I am seen and the connection with the other person is maintained. But in trying to maintain the connection with the other we lose touch with ourselves and with what we want, with our desires. And of course, the contact with the other is not real either, because it does not come from a real place; from our authentic self.

When we try so hard to be seen, we also try to ward off the pain of not being seen. But we don’t realize that the pain we are trying to avoid has already happened. We are not aware that when we try to maintain connection with the other, that we are then also trying to avoid the pain of not being seen when we were children. The pain of not being seen, the lack of connectedness with mother, was life-threatening to us, so we couldn’t let that painful reality be true. And that painful experience is therefore stored in our system and body as a wound. And now when we are not seen in our adult lives, we are touched in this wound and its pain comes to the surface. And that is why we try so hard to be seen; to avoid this pain from the past.

Understanding and healing the pain

We all have these two defense mechanisms. As long as we don’t become aware of these mechanisms, we keep playing these out. We keep living these child pieces and stay trapped in the past. But when we become aware of these mechanisms and understand what they are trying to do, we feel safe and allow ourselves to face the reality of not being seen, instead of defending ourselves against it by contracting ourselves and losing touch with ourselves. In other words, we allow ourselves to be in our natural state again, present, open and sensitive. And this dissolves the defense mechanisms and we feel relaxed, at ease, free and able to set aside our story and start living who we really are. Our natural state is what heals the pain, dissolves our obstacles and sets us free. Isn’t that a blessing? Isn’t that magic?

Since this pain was originally experienced as life-threatening, it takes courage, compassionate understanding and patience to allow this. Be very kind to yourself here, no judgment. And reach out for help where needed.

Inquiry practice

How do you deal with your need to be seen? Do you reach out? Which behaviors have you adopted to ensure you are seen? What is your style? In what ways do you attract attention. Is it compelling, or is it more wait-and-see? Or do you draw no attention at all? Do you deny the need? Are you more sensitive to others’ need to be seen and don’t show that you want to be seen yourself? What is your style? Do you do things differently in different areas of your life? How do you do it in your work, in your relationship, with friends, with strangers, in your family?

We all have both attitudes, but one attitude is more dominant than the other. Both, demanding attention and barely entitled to it, are ways of dealing with our need for mirroring. And both are a defense against the pain of not being seen.

Can you feel the pain beneath these defense mechanisms? How do you see it in your life? How do you notice it in your body? We are not trying to solve anything. Rather, acknowledging your style with understanding and love makes them clear, transparent and open, allowing the pain underneath to surface and heal. We allow ourselves to face the reality of not being seen, rather than defending against it. Our natural state, our openness is what will ultimately heal the pain and dissolve the defense mechanisms.

You can do the exploration with someone else for fifteen minutes each, or you can do the inquiry in writing.

The need to be seen

Our behavior, our actions, are largely determined by the need to be seen. We are often unaware of it, deny it or suppress it, but we all have a need to be seen and that is normal and healthy. But the thing that is a problem, is that we often don’t realize that the need to be seen triggers all kinds of survival strategies that helped us survive as children, but now disconnect us from our natural state of being, from our openness and freedom. And we are therefore no longer open and present in the now and not free to do what we really want, but rather let our lives be defined by the past.

As long as we don’t become aware of this mechanism, we keep playing this out. We keep living these child pieces and stay trapped in the past. But when we become aware of this mechanism and understand what it is trying to do, we take a very big step toward freedom.

In this part of the blog, I’m going to describe where the need to be seen comes from, how it came about. And in part two I’m going to describe how it continues in our adult lives.

Why does the child need to be seen and mirrored by the environment?

The child needs to be seen and mirrored because the young child is not yet able to reflect. The child is in its natural state, its authentic state of being; open and sensitive. The child is itself without being conscious of it. There is no awareness of what the child is. The child does not see itself. At this time, the child needs mirroring from outside to see itself, to know and recognize itself. The child is acknowledged and supported by the mirroring in who he or she is.

It is not enough to be seen in who he or she is; The child needs to be seen in all his or her aspects. So not only the child’s identity, its very nature needs to be mirrored, but all aspects of the child that emerge need mirroring. The child needs to be seen in all his or her natural capacities. The child needs to be seen in her or his strength, will, joy, sensitivity, love and so on. And the child also needs to be seen and mirrored in all other dimensions of experience such as her or his feelings and emotions. And the child’s mental and physical manifestations also need to be seen and mirrored.

The aspects of the child that are positively mirrored, that are seen, that are appreciated, the child comes to recognize, cherish and integrate them into his or her sense of identity. The child experiences them as part of himself or herself. The aspects that have not been sufficiently seen and mirrored, the child cannot recognize and integrate them into his sense of identity. The child does not experience them as part of himself. Those aspects remain in the unconscious as unrealized potential. So, we develop an identity that is incomplete. It lacks the aspects that are not seen and mirrored.

We are all insufficiently mirrored

What we are all insufficiently mirrored in, is in our very nature, in who we essentially are, in our core. So, who we have become is always missing the connection with our center, with our deepest core, with our very nature; our authentic self. And therefore, we are always looking for mirroring, for being seen. We want to be seen because we have lost connection with ourselves, with our true identity. So, the need to be seen in our adult life originates here.

Inquiry practice

Now is a good time to explore which aspects of you were mirrored and which aspects were not or not sufficiently mirrored.

Which aspects of you were seen and mirrored? What of you was allowed to be there, was supported or encouraged? You can think of qualities like strength, will, peace, confidence, joy, love, clarity, intelligence. You can think of your emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Which emotions were allowed to be and were mirrored and which were not? What helps is to look at the family you grew up in and see and feel which qualities were present and which were not or less present. Was it peaceful at home? Was there joy? Was there self-confidence? The qualities that were not present could also not be seen in you and mirrored.

The goal is to bring clarity and understanding to the identity you have developed. And to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t experience certain qualities now, because they were not seen and mirrored when you were a child. But those qualities still reside in the unconscious as unrealized potential..

-Notice what arises in your body as you gain clarity about the identity you have developed. Deficiency, embarrassment or discomfort may arise as you explore this. Allow, acknowledge and embrace all your feelings as much as possible. Name them, write them down.

In this part, you were able to read about where the need to be seen comes from. In part two, we will look at how the need to be seen carries over into our adult lives. You will then begin to understand how your strategies to be seen in your adult life are actually keeping you trapped in the past, disconnected from your natural state of being; your openness and freedom.

What is fear of failure?

Let’s first look at what fear of failure is and then how to dissolve it. Fear of failure is also called performance anxiety and it is basically the fear of being rejected, criticized, judged or attacked. For example, if you have the fear of speaking in front of a group, you are afraid that you won’t do well, that you will fail. And you are afraid to fail because you unconsciously have the belief that if you fail that you will be rejected, criticized, or judged.

Fear of failure is one of the biggest fears people have. It is a common fear and one that limits us very much in our lives. It keeps us from growing, from realizing our potential and from doing what we want. Fear of failure keeps us from living life to the fullest.

You can experience fear of failure as mild anxiety; you find it exciting. But it can also be experienced as intense fear; the sweat breaks out on you, your heart pounds like crazy, your mouth dries out, and you are trembling on your legs. You may also become nauseous or even get a stomach ache. The fear can become so intense that it feels like all the cells in your body are saying “This is not good, this is dangerous, don’t do it, or get out of here!” Psychologically, you experience it as a sense of lack, as a sense of deficiency. You don’t have what it takes to do what you need to do. You feel that you are not able to accomplish. You feel like you’re going to fail. It is the opposite of being at ease, feeling supported and confident.

To avoid experiencing this very unpleasant feeling of anxiety, you restrict your life. You avoid situations that trigger fear of failure as much as possible. For example, fear of failure keeps you from making contact with someone you like, because you are afraid he or she will reject you. It hinders you from meeting new people or doing new things. It also hinders you from making a commitment because you are afraid you cannot live up to it and will be rejected as a result. Another example is that fear of failure stops you from speaking up in a meeting, or giving a presentation, because you are afraid of being rejected. Fear of failure limits you in your personal and professional growth. Solving fear of failure will therefore give you great freedom to develop yourself and live life to the fullest. Solving fear of failure completely and permanently begins with understanding the cause of fear of failure.

The cause of fear of failure

As children, we were centered in our pelvis. We were naturally connected to our base; our pelvis. And we were therefore connected to our life energy, the strength and support that flowed from our pelvis. Because we were connected to our life energy, to our life force, we were also naturally oriented to life, to creativity, to joy and fulfillment. And you can see this very well in children. They are oriented to play, to joy and fulfillment, very naturally. There is zest for life in them. There is libido in them. We felt safe and at rest in our Being, in our spontaneous flow of life energy. We were not centered in our heads. We became that later.

One of the things that often happened in the interactions with our parents when we were just being ourselves, when we asserted ourselves, when we expressed ourselves, is that we were rejected, criticized, judged or even attacked; verbally or non-verbally, directly or indirectly. Or we were even physically attacked. And because we were centered in our pelvis we felt every rejection, attack, criticism or judgment in our pelvis. And we experienced that as a shock, and we tried to deal with the shock by contracting that area, by shrinking it, by closing it.

Every time we were rejected or criticized, we closed our pelvis. And eventually that resulted in us becoming cut off from our pelvis, from our base, and therefore from our support and from our spontaneous flow of life energy. As children, we were not supported in who we were and we no longer felt safe to just be ourselves. Therefore, we automatically pulled up from our ground, from our pelvis. We went to our heads to figure out how we needed to be in order to be seen and loved, so that the connection with the significant other, the parent, was guaranteed. We learned to adapt. And we identified with the adapted self.

How the fear operates in our adult lives

Now when you want to assert yourself as an adult, when you want to show up, to manifest and express yourself, your presence, your awareness, descends from your head back to your pelvis. The will to be, to be yourself, to show up, brings you back to your pelvis, to your ground, to your base. And this triggers the fear of being rejected, of being criticized, of being judged or of being attacked. It brings this old fear that is stored in your pelvis back to the surface. You don’t feel safe because of this and you instinctively contract your pelvis and block your will to be present, to show up, to be yourself. And this is what keeps you from doing things where you need to show up, where you need to express yourself, such as giving your opinion, speaking in front of a group or giving a presentation.

But the attacks, or judgments you now are afraid of, have already happened. The rejection you now fear has already happened. Nothing is going to happen now. They are just stored fears and memories brought up by your will to be yourself. When you were yourself, when you showed up as yourself, you were rejected or judged. And this feeling with the images and the thoughts is stored in you. Unconsciously, you now believe that if you show up, you will be rejected or judged. These fears are actually leaving your body now.

The solution

To dissolve fear of failure completely and permanently, it is important to become aware of this process. It is important to see, understand, acknowledge and allow this process. This allows the fears and associations tied to your will to be yourself and show up to dissolve. In this way, fear of failure, the biggest blockade to showing up, disappears forever. You feel deeply grounded in yourself again. Over-effort and feelings of inadequacy dissolve. You feel that you are able to be present to all the challenges in your life without losing balance. You feel at ease, supported and confident to do what you want to do. you now feel you can accomplish whatever you need to do.

Inquiry practice

When did you feel the fear of being rejected when you were a child? Was it in relationship with father or mother, or with another person. How did it happen? Was it verbal, nonverbal? Directly or indirectly? Indirect is for example: if you want my love, you will do what I say!

How does it feel in your body? Where in particular do you feel it? 

Allow as much as possible whatever arises in you; feelings, sensations, thoughts, images. We are not trying to get rid of anything. Welcoming and acknowledging whatever you are experiencing, with understanding and love, makes your experience clear, transparent and open.

We allow ourselves to face the reality of being rejected, rather than defending against it. Our natural state, our openness, is what will ultimately heal the fear and dissolve the defense mechanisms.

You can do the exploration with someone else for fifteen minutes each, or you can do the inquiry in writing.